Pregnancy is weird and makes you a little crazy.
One of the things that can come up when you're pregnant is the urge to compare with others. I know a lot of other people that are also expecting right now, and while I don't know if everyone goes through this, I find myself comparing their life to mine.
Oh, and if you aren't around other pregnant people in real life? They are all over the internet! Drifting through pinterest, you see 'pregnant' models that likely aren't even actually pregnant. On facebook, articles featuring "real life stories!" with women who are working sixty hours a week on their highly successful home business and rocking their eighteenth pregnancy. (Extra points if they have an Etsy shop or more than a thousand Instagram followers.) It makes your head spin, and insecurity creep in. Hormones wreak havoc, and you end up thinking crazy things.

"She's further along and skinnier than I am."
"She's pregnant with TWINS and looks better than me."
"She isn't wearing maternity clothes yet and I thrive on them."
"My skin doesn't look good; the internet said my skin would look good!"
"That lady on Pinterest is pregnant with twins *and* her house is clean *and* she works full time."
Or, the opposite comparison-- "My living room is cleaner than hers, that's good right?"
And finally, all the time, "HOW AM I SHOWING THIS EARLY!?"

The first week I knew I was pregnant, I watched a ridiculous amount of youtube videos, some on "surviving pregnancy." These women looked amazing. Their hair was fabulous, their makeup perfect. Not one of them looked tired or sick. And they were all posting these weekly updates; some included how their work life was going, some how they were meeting fitness goals each week, some how their diets included eighty billion servings of fresh produce and lean protein. (This is while I'm eating crackers for breakfast lunch and dinner.) As a bonus, there was usually a beautiful immaculate home in the background of their flawlessly shot video. The first week of pregnancy, I naively thought "Okay, so this is how pregnancy looks." Of course, they would talk about how hard it was, but they sure did a good job at making it *look* easy!

By the 7th week of pregnancy, I realized that was *not* how my pregnancy looks!
By the 13th week, I was discouraged that not only was I still feeling nauseated, but my hair had only looked good for about two minutes that week. Then I threw up. And I still hadn't accomplished a tenth of what the glowing-ad-quality women in the videos had.
By the 16th week, which is now, I'm realizing that it doesn't matter! Chances are you're the only one analyzing your life; people care about you but they don't care to sit and obsess over your life and judge you. People have their own lives and very likely are not spending time thinking about how poorly or well you are doing at "being pregnant." They are living their life; which is what you should be doing too!

Your pregnancy is YOURS. Do what works for you and your husband. Your life is not a cookie cutter that you have to fit everything into. It's okay if you have such a bad headache that you can't get out of bed and the dishes sit an extra day. And it's FINE if you are wearing maternity clothes as early as possible!

In all seriousness, that's been the best-- My sister in law is lending me a bunch of her maternity clothes. Because I didn't have to buy them, I've been wearing them probably earlier than most people. (since last week, 15 wks) The first day I wore them, I mentioned it to someone at work, saying that I would probably end up spilling a coffee since I was borrowing someone else's clothes. Their response was shock that I was ALREADY wearing maternity clothes! I instantly felt a little stupid and like I was doing pregnancy wrong. (This is my first time, after all.)
But let's be realistic-- whether you are showing or not, your stomach is uncomfortable basically all the time when you're pregnant! Early on it's bloating, (everything you eat doesn't agree with you) then baby growing, then...well I haven't gotten there yet, so we'll see. In addition to that, my sister and I both are super short waisted. I have long legs and about three inches from my ribs to my hip bone. That is not conducive to hiding a pregnancy! I'm sick of sucking my stomach in; it's stupid, uncomfortable, and vain. Why would I put myself in more discomfort for the sake of...what? vanity? pride? Not looking pregnant when I AM pregnant?
But I don't care if you're built like a model and not showing at all-- if maternity clothes are what you are comfortable in, then wear the darn stretchy waisted jeans. For me, they are the only way I am comfortable without also looking constantly sloppy. "Am I going to work out or do I just wear sweatpants all the time!?" was going to become my mantra if I didn't start wearing some maternity clothes. Some days I still wear my normal jeans, but other days, that ain't happening!

As far as the other stuff goes-- I know what days I am legitimately too knocked out to accomplish more than the barest minimum. And I know what days I am using my pregnancy as an excuse for laziness. I know. Listen to your body! Don't be a lazy bum, but don't try to be superwoman at the expense of your rest and your baby's health. It's not worth it.
It's so easy to feel like a failure when you aren't getting as much done as you used to. For us, I had to find out from my husband what things were his priorities around the house, and if I feel crummy I try to just get those things done, because I care about his sanity too. That's not to say there haven't been times when he gets home from work before I do and does the dishes; those days definitely exist and it's a nice reminder of what a sweet man I married! But don't feel like a failure if you don't bounce home from work and put on a gourmet dinner, followed by doing dishes and laundry-- preferably while wearing pearls and heels like June Cleaver. Most of us can't stand the smell of cooking right now anyways. Make it easy on yourself and spend a couple extra dollars to get dinners from Costco that literally just have to be put in the oven. It's cheaper than eating out because you didn't want to cook. (And starving yourself and your husband isn't really a good option. I tried that.)
If that means pizza, no judgment here. How do you think we survive Mondays around this house?

The bottom line is this- it's okay to not be like all the superwomen online who seem to have it all together. Do what you can without overdoing, and be okay with the fact that you may not look the same as other women. You may not have the cleanest house for a while. You may survive on just the barest minimum because the nausea is bad whether you stand, walk, sit, or lay down. What works for you one day might not work the next.

Be inspired by other women's examples, not discouraged because you aren't the exact same. Take away the good, learn what you can, and leave the "I'm not good enough" attitude at the door. You will gain nothing by comparing yourself to other people. Everyone is built differently and that's fine. Know your own limits, work as hard as you *can*, but don't cry yourself to sleep if the laundry doesn't get done. It will still be there tomorrow. If you know deep down that you are doing the very best you can to eat well (you know, eating whatever you can without throwing up), get what exercise you can (that is, if walking doesn't make the pounding headaches worse), and accomplishing what you can, then you are doing a good job. Being pregnant changes literally everything about your life; it's a major adjustment, physically, emotionally, and every way you can think of. Comparing yourself to others won't make that adjustment easier. For some of us, pregnancy is hard. Be honest with yourself and then do your best. My mom has reminded me that you're not an invalid when you're pregnant, and that's a good thing to remember; don't use it as an excuse. It is a reason for a lot of things, but not an excuse for everything.  She was also super encouraging when I wanted to cry all the time because I don't have energy to get things done. My family reminds me that it's hard work and a major change.

The thing I'm coming away with here is that pregnancy is about balance. Finding that balance is important and up to you. Don't waste time comparing yourself to other people. No one else is.

Everyone in America has gone through a drive thru at some point. They're everywhere! And nearly everyone in Washington is familiar with the concept of drive thru coffee stands. You know, two windows, one or two baristas, get your java, keep on jiving.

And yet.

There are still a million instances where people have no clue what the proper etiquette is. (Or they just don't care.)

I work at a drive thru coffee stand. (Is this the part where I clarify that it's *not* one of those stands?) And because I can't look at a customer and say "what you're doing is the worst", I've come to say it here...You know, like a strong brave person.
So here they are-- Ten things you do that your Barista hates.

1. Coming to get your drink one minute before closing.
Someone speeds in, screeches to a halt, then breathlessly exclaims as you open the window "Oh good! I just barely made it!"
Yes. Good for you. Kudos that now we have to re-wash several things, wipe away more coffee grounds, and (my favorite) re-clean the blender if we already washed it. (Which, in summer I never do, but when it's 30 degrees out? Uh yeah, not saving that for later.
I get it though; the bottom line is that it says we are OPEN until 6. And yes, that means that up until exactly 6, I will make a drink for you! And I will smile. Because we love customers, and because we're not *technically* closed yet.
But, wrong or right, next time I see you I'll be thinking of how much later I was to dinner because you showed up at 5:59 and wanted six drinks.


2. Coming the minute I turn out the "open" sign and begging me to make you your drink anyway. Sounds reasonable, right? I only just turned out the light, surely I can just spend 60 more seconds making your drink!??
Here's the thing. I have an alarm on my phone that tells me when it's time to close. That way I don't waste time checking my phone for the time. The second I hear it go off, I flip the open sign off, start the cash register printing closing stuff, and start the first round of running cleaner through the machine. On a typical day, I have all those things ready to go so that it takes me *literally less than five seconds* to put those events in motion. Which means, by the time I open the window to you, I've crossed the Rubicon. For you to get your drink now would require it being put on the next day's cash register, and guess what? I don't do that!
We do have some customers who have called before if they are on their way and may not make it until right before we close. This is not high maintenance; this is absolutely awesome. They know we have a system for closing and a life after work, and are managing to balance their coffee needs with being considerate about the fact that we have lives too! You are the people I will make drinks for after I've already closed. (If possible.)
A couple teen girls came through recently fifteen minutes after I had closed, which that day meant I was literally about to turn out the lights and leave when they pulled up. I unlocked and opened the window and before I could get a word in, they rattled off what they wanted and promptly went back to their phones. Sincerely, I told them I was so sorry but we were actually already closed. Slowly they looked up from their phones.
"You're closed?"
"Yes, I'm so sorry! We closed at 6." (This is the part where most people say "oh, okay!" and leave.)
"So you won't make us any drinks?" one asks incredulously. Like I'm committing an active robbery.
"I can't, I'm so sorry!" I exclaim again, still trying to look sympathetic. "I shut down the machine a few minutes ago."
Then, my favorite part-- they got all agitated and annoyed. "Wait so like you won't even make us a Redbull drink?!?!?!?!" (I can't even replicate the high pitched ragey voice on that sentence)
"The cash register is all shut down as well, so not tonight..." I say, trying desperately to hang on to my sympathetic face.
Then they zoomed away without a word, which meant they didn't hear my final "sorryyyyy!" I know it's practically criminal for me to want to go home to my husband after I've closed the stand. Why wouldn't I want to stay late and make a drink for a couple deprived young kids?


3. Get a cheap(er) drink and then ask for free extras that turn it into a more expensive drink.
You know who you are, sitting in your yoga pants with your four kids in the back of your SUV.
Case in point: The americano. Here's the thing about americanos. By definition, they are made with espresso and *water*. People frequently add a little bit of cream to it, and that's great. But now, cue every teen girl in town who has switched from "I'd like a redbull spritzer please" (Spritzer? Who says that!??) to asking for...."I'd like an Americano with extra white chocolate, iced, with extra cream and light ice." What they're asking for is a breve. Which is $1.25 more expensive.
Or, to give you the benefit of the doubt, if you're ordering it to be healthier, let me just tell you now-- saying the word "americano" instead of "breve" does not actually cut down your caloric intake when you order it with extra cream...


4. Don't clarify that you wanted your drink iced, then when I hand you a hot drink, whine about it.
I'm human, and the bottom line is that I do have some sympathy for this, and because of that I will definitely offer to re make your drink iced, even if you didn't clarify. Because I want you to leave happy! And I love coffee and want you to love your coffee! But...realistically it's also annoying that because you didn't feel the need to say what drink you actually wanted, we end up making it again for you.  .....and no, pouring the hot drink over a cup of ice is never something I will do. That's gross and just leads to a very watered down lukewarm "iced" drink.

5. Not mentioning what size you want.
This is me being nitpicky. But the way barista brains work is by categorizing your drink as you say it so we remember what we are making. And if you don't clarify hot or iced, and what size, we don't have the starting point. Also it means we have to ask two more questions...which you don't like answering and we don't like asking.

6. Talking on your phone in the drive thru.
This should be a no brainer. The customers I have the greatest respect for are the ones who wait to get in line until they've finished their conversation. Or, the ones who at least pull up and *pause* their conversation until we are completely finished.
The ones that drive me the most crazy are the people who try to talk to me *and* their phone at the same time. Which leads to an insane amount of awkward interaction. It's my favorite when they have the speakerphone in their car on, so I can hear the other person talking. 'What did you say? Oh wait you're at the coffee stand!"...while the driver tries to order over that.
To be fair, we do have some regulars who have prepaid cards and get the exact same drink every day, and it doesn't bother me as much if they are on their phone once in a while-- Primarily because I don't actually *need* to communicate with them beyond handing them their drink.
But still. C'mon. Adult, people.

7. Order your drink "skinny" but not actually want it both nonfat AND sugar free.
I'm looking at you, middle aged ladies coming from the hair salon. I've started to ask anytime someone says that word, because half the time they don't actually want it "skinny." They just want it nonfat.
p.s. This is where I resist getting on my soapbox about how bad sugar-free flavors are for you... Please, just order your drink sweetened with raw sugar or honey as the healthy alternative.

8. Assume someone is new just because you haven't seen them before.
It's a common thing; you only go to a place at 7:38am every day, and then, one day, you go for an afternoon drink...and, *gasp* it's someone you've never seen before! They must have just started! They must know nothing about coffee or drinks or people or life! If *you* haven't seen them, oh boy. You're a veteran at this stand. Any face that doesn't light up when it sees you must be just brand-spankin' new!
False. I still get this six months after starting again at the stand. (I worked there a couple years ago, then ended up back there six months ago, so I have a couple years there total)
News flash: Some people only work the afternoon shift! And vice versa! Which means that no, just because you never come in after 12, and I only work after 12 it doesn't mean I'm new.
Extra points if you treat me like a deaf idiot until the fourth time I've made your drink.

9. Don't know what drink you actually get.
This is a problem only found at small stands, I think. You've come here for a year, at the same time, with the same barista, and she has recommended a drink and you love it, so now that's all you get. But you have no clue what it is. Then one day you come in and someone else is working! And you stare at them blankly and say "Uh she normally makes my drink. It's, um, an iced drink with some flavor in it..."
Chances are I will ask you twelve different questions and try to figure out exactly what your regular barista makes you every morning. Or, if you're really lucky and there is no one behind you, I will text her and ask. Don't you dare get angry at me for not knowing about your existence and drink before this moment though.
But please. Don't be such an entitled american that you don't even bother to know how to order your drink! And if you get a super specific amount of sweetener, it's okay to tell me that-- but just know how much you get! I legitimately don't mind if you are picky as long as you know exactly how to order what you want. In fact, I love when picky people order exactly what they want-- because then they will be happy with what they get. If you like 4.5 pumps of hazelnut and 3/4 scoop of white chocolate, more power to you. Just tell me. It's not a big deal to be super specific-- and it's much better than the alternative of handing your drink back with a vague "Umm it's not exactly what I like..." because you were too much of a wimp to be honest about how picky you are.
If you aren't willing to order your drink specifically, then don't be willing to hand it back without a specific thing wrong with it.

10. Wait to order another drink until the end, or wait to get your money out until I'm asking for it.
This is a busy stand, with people probably behind you. I know it's easy to get distracted, but you have had more than a minute of waiting while I make your drink, and possibly a couple minutes of being in line behind someone else. Waiting to pull your wallet or purse out until I have your drink (or multiple drinks) ready, is not very considerate to the people behind you.
If you only got one drink and I have a sec while the milk is steaming I may ask for your money then, just to save time, but if you ordered four iced drinks, the best time to ring you up is at the end. And waiting while you finally pull out your wallet and take thirty seconds to find your punch card is killing me slowly. Along the same vein, if you've been waiting in line because we are super busy, you should have decided on what you want by the time you get to the window. Don't pull up after a five minute wait, and say 'just one second please...."
You've had five minutes. That really wasn't enough for you to decide on the same drink you get every day? Unless you have a question that has to be answered before you decide, you really should have been thinking this through while you were waiting in line.


So there you have it. A list of things to avoid. Or a list of things to do all at once if you are trying to film one of those annoying candid camera videos.... It's all up to you.

Right now, the most exciting thing about this blog, is that I have shared it with no one. For a few more weeks, I have complete autonomy, as if it was my own journal. Admittedly it's vulnerable to the google search engine, but somehow I don't think there are people randomly wondering if I have a new blog, when I've used my old one for years.
Because of this pseudo-anonymity, I can say it here. I'm going to have a baby. How cool is that? How weird is that?


It's awesome. And terrifying. I'm early on enough to where I feel embarrassed telling people, because anyone we've told so far has an opinion on how long you "should" wait before sharing your news.

But I believe life begins at conception. And if I believe that, why should I not tell people at 6, 7, or 8 weeks as we have? Because the life is physically not very big, I shouldn't share that it exists? How absurd. I know, I know; the risk of miscarriage is high in this first trimester. But my baby is still my baby, whether it's a centimeter or a foot long. (Yes, in re-reading that I realize it sounds like I'm talking about a sub sandwich.)

I'm naturally a very private person. But it's hard to hold in news like this! At the same time, I live in constant dread of people sharing their birth horror stories. And they do. And the unsolicited advice pours in. So far the only people who have asked to touch my tummy are my 3 and 4 year old nieces; they've also talked to the baby, even though I told them it didn't have ears at the time... I don't like people looking at me differently once they find out, but let's be realistic; most the time I'm so nauseated that I don't care what people are doing. (Side note though: why DO people look at pregnant women like they're a freak of nature? Last I checked it's *kinda* a normal thing... Also, why do people think they should tell you when you should share your news? how is that remotely their decision?)

This is the strangest experience I've ever had. And in some ways that's one of the reasons I don't want to wait until the standard twelve or fifteen weeks to tell people. I'm going through so many things at once, and do I just keep it secret from people that I'm sick all the time and unspeakably exhausted? On Sundays do I just keep saying "I'm fine, nothing new going on with us", when in reality, EVERYTHING is new to us right now? It's such personal news but it's such BIG news! A new person exists. There is a soul on this earth that was not here two months ago. Our lives are changed forever, no matter what happens next.

There is so much to learn. Seasoned mothers that I've told ask me questions about testing and it's overwhelming because half the time I have no idea what they're talking about. I've given up pretending that I have a clue; most of the time I just say "I haven't actually read up on that yet, but it's on my list!"

I'm completely overwhelmed. Today I finally sat down with a cup of tea (The first time in weeks that hot tea has sounded appealing again!) and started reading a book on the whole thing, and that was helpful.
I want to record things about this experience because I'm sure I will forget them quickly. So, here's the update for weeks 1-8.

Nausea: Prevalent. NOT morning only; all day off and on, usually on.
Emotions: A crazy wooden roller coaster of steep wacko emotions. Up and down, all around. INSANE and out of control at times. Never had anything like it before. My husband is a saint.
Sore, and ridiculously tired. Tired is the biggest understatement of the century.
Low blood pressure, passed out once already. Fun times!
Motion sickness is also a major problem right now.

This is not a pregnancy blog. Pregnancy just happens to be part of my life right now and so there will be some posts about it. So sorry if that's not your thing and you've stumbled here!