The things people say...

When you're pregnant, people view you as fair game. Suddenly you find yourself in the middle of super personal conversations, whether you want to be there or not. For me, it's mostly "not!" Nonetheless, there will be strangers who stare at you constantly, touch your stomach, and ask majorly personal/awkward questions that you can't graciously get out of answering. My husband and I were on a walk the other day and after a few minutes he exclaimed "Wow. People really do just stare at your stomach! Why?!" (I love him.) 

My favorite is when someone very cautiously asks if you're pregnant, or when you're due.

These are some of the things I've gotten this pregnancy:

“You’re still drinking coffee? Wow, you must want an active baby!” 

Yep. I just don’t like sleep. That’s why I drink coffee. It's not because I work at a coffee stand and sometimes need to be functional.

“Oh you’re pregnant!? Turn sideways so I can see if it’s a boy or a girl.”   

Please, just go to a zoo. 

“You are getting bigger every day!” 

Yes. Yes I am. But that doesn’t mean I want to hear it…or think about it… Could someone bring me a chocolate bar please?

“You don’t look pregnant, I had no idea!” This is kind of a split one- on one hand, I’m flattered that I’m hiding it well, but on the other hand, are you saying that me at six months pregnant just looks like I’ve gained weight? and it looks NORMAL!?! Hormones are dictating that you can't win with that statement, even though you mean it kindly. 

“You’re having your baby at home? oh wow.” 

“You’re having a midwife there? Let me tell you what happened when my granddaughter was born..” And he did. In major detail. Twice. 

Please don't tell us birth stories unless we ask. Or volunteer gross information about what will happen in labor. Guess what? We have doctors, midwives, and the internet! If we want more information than that, we will ask... Chances are we've also been reading endless stupid pregnancy books. Also, I've seen three children born. I have a decent idea of what happens during labor.  

“Are you excited?” 

“Do you honestly want a boy?” Nahhh, we are gonna send him back for a different model. 

“A boy huh? Well just envision another one of your husband around!” This was said in a NOT positive tone… Also somehow I don’t think it will be quite like that… but if it was that would be awesome. Cause my husband is awesome. 

“Was it intentional?” Ummm…Never any of your business. Ever. 

“Is this a good thing?” Yes. A child is a good thing.

The other day a customer asked me, "Do you have a name picked out?" When I responded that we did, and told her the name, she looked *horrified*. I said "It's my dad's middle name, and my father in law's first name." To which she answered, "Oh." and drove away. Still looking horrified. 

If you are going to ask what my kid's name is going to be, the *only* appropriate responses are positive ones. If you hate the name, you can still say something dumb like "That's perfect!" or "adorable" or "So sweet". You can totally get away with saying you've never heard the name before, because then I'll tell you where we came up with it. But don't look horrified.

This same rule applies to after the kid is born. I had someone tell me that they didn't think one of my nieces was very cute. Really? If you don't think a kid is cute, (and let's be realistic, many newborns are not much to look at) be creative and come up with something honest and complimentary. Find a feature to compliment.  Act delighted at how tiny and sweet they are. Or just stick with "He is so precious and adorable!" It's not a lie. Babies are precious no matter how ugly they are.... and they'll be adored by at least their parents. 

“How much weight have you gained?”

Seriously? SERIOUSLY? 

“What size were you before you were pregnant?” me: “8” her: “Oh, that’s not petite. Let’s see, is that a large?”  — this from the teensy tiny maternity clothing store clerk who was clearly not used to seeing someone who was 5’9” and not anorexic. 

“You’re gonna be pregnant through the summer and that’s gonna suck. You’re gonna be miserable.”  

Yes, thank you, I’m aware. Too late to do anything about it now.

“First babies are never born on time.”  Please. Don’t keep telling a woman in her third trimester how much longer she will be pregnant than she wants. Also, that’s not always true. 

And of course, said to my sister— “You and your sister are both pregnant? Sibling rivalry!”  Because she, having four children already, must have felt the need to one-up me when I’m pregnant with…my first. 

“You think you’ll do _____ now, but wait until you actually have a kid.” Fill in the blank with basically anything. People always ask what your child raising plans are, or birth plans, all kinds of things really… Then they tell you your plan is stupid and unattainable. Is the solution to this to just smile dumbly at every invasive question and say that you aren’t planning anything because you know you know nothing?

"How are you feeling?" me: "Not great, but almost done so yay!" to which they responded with an eye roll and "Well it gets a lot worse before it gets better!"

It's words of encouragement like this that pregnant women live for. 

"You've gotten huge!" 

I admit it-- on this one I couldn't even do a nice fake response. I snapped back with "Thank you, that's EXACTLY what a pregnant woman wants to hear." To which he said, "My wife got so sick of people telling her how tiny she was when she was pregnant." 

His wife is 7 inches shorter than I am and probably weighs 100 pounds. 

"You're 35 weeks along? You're so tiny!" 

I heard this multiple times, on the same day that I was told I was huge. 

And shockingly, I don't want to hear either one. If you must comment on a pregnant woman's appearance, you really need to limit it to objectively positive things, like "You look great." Or beautiful. We accept words like that. 

I'm sure there will be more fun comments since I'm well into the third trimester now. I'll be sure to update as the fun rolls on!